This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
