Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
