I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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