So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
