i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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