Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
