We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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