I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
