Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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