That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
