Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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