if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
a search helicopter?!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
