you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
