I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize