Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
