I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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