I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
