A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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