There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
