i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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