I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
