I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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