She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
