I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
