i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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