he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I want to fling myself into the sun
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
