end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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