Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
