I can't watch pbs sober anymore
this just has baby written all over it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
last night I used snow as a chaser
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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