Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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