He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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