I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
