I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
