My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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