at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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