the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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