you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
