Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
