Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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