i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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