Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
