I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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