Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
