my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
