Just fell off a train. Bad.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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