How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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