If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
