You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize