So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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