Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
