So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I will die if light touches me.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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