God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Randomize
