Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
