BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
