yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize