K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
