Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
