You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
